Let’s get right to the point. I hate change. I know it’s cool to roll with the punches, be ok with being out of your comfort zone, yada yada ya.. But really, who actually likes it? I mean, I like some changes. Like getting a great lob after years of dull long hair. Or rearranging the room and letting new energy in. Or wearing flowy dresses after a winter full of tights and boots. That’s a nice change.
But the big, bad ones? Nah, I’ll pass. I mean, I wish I could.
Roko leaving for six months must be my least favorite ever, actually. I’ve been preparing for him to leave and be on a ship since we started dating. It’s his career, what he went to college for, it’s what we wished for and worked towards, yes. But now that it started, I already absolutely hate it.
I share a lot of things with you. I’m very open and honest about my life, my opinions, my feelings, the things I go through and think about.. So my first instict would usually be to talk to you about it. Let you know how I feel and what I plan to do, and how my days are going. As always, in hopes to connect, to let someone else in this or a similiar situation feel less alone. But this time, or for right now, I don’t feel like I wanna share anything with you.
With anyone actually.. I just need to go through this alone. Really feel it, really let it consume me and then get up on my feet again and keep moving. On my own.
I know how much love and support you send my way, and to Roko and I, and everything I do. I always appreciate it and it keeps me going. In a way, for so much support, I kind of feel like I owe you my words. So conciously, and a bit selfishly, I choose me over you, and keep them for myself anyway.
I hope you don’t mind. In our new world, world of sharing and documenting, one I usually enjoy and participate in with my full heart.. In a world that’s -in a way- more connected than ever.. I choose to hold no one’s hand but my own, and disconnect into a silent solitute and a loud self love.
Sometimes, that is needed to.