I didn’t even notice spring arrived. Being in the house for almost a full week, I had no idea everything started to wake up and look gorgeous and smell beautiful. When your world is crashing down, you kind of think that it stopped. That the world is actually on pause. But everything kept moving, and I am forcing myself to wake up, too.
Grieving is so hard. It’s such an ugly, dark, black process. I was a positive person my whole life, I tend to bounce back and recover from things really quickly. If I allow myself to get down, it’s usually out of my system in a day. But, not this time.
This is the first thing that really got to me. That I feel has changed and will change who I am. I don’t feel positive, I don’ find joy in anything, I have trouble seeing beauty in things I used to adore, and everything pretty much seems pointless. If you talked to me yesterday, you would hear me say that everything is shit, and I don’t care about photography or making anything, or even art anymore. That the only thing that matters in life are those few special connections and the love that we have, and that all the rest should disappear.
Today, however, I convinced myself that it would do me good to “work”, to think of a shoot I want to do, to be creative, to put on a dress.. To (at least) try to look alive. And I guess it sort of worked. Or at least, kept me occupied for an hour or two.
I still think the world sucks. I had a car crash, my cat died, and then my precious Baby died – all in 2 months of time. So you’ll have a hard time convincing me it’s still a beautiful place and there’s good in every day. There’s really not. Life is not fair or endlessly amazing, and there’s definitely no beauty in every day.
But, to keep moving on, to stay true to myself, to stay who I am.. I gotta find beauty in at least some days. If there is none, I have to invent it, create it out of nothing. Which is what I did. And this time, it worked.
I know I will have a lotttt more of shit days. As I said, grieving is hard, and it’s a roller coaster in my case. I feel anger ( or more truthfully – full on rage), sadness, numbness, anxiety, guilt and nostalgia about 30 times a day. And some days, I will let myself feel those ugly emotions, too. I will stay in bed all day, and cry and hate everything.
But hopefully, like seasons, and everything else, that will change, and I will feel good once again. My heart will catch on to the world outside of me,
winter will end, and spring will be awakened in my heart, too.