I know what you’re thinking – am I the right person to be writing this post? Probably not, no.
Today is day 4 since Baby passed away, and it’s the first day I got out of bed. First day I had a proper breakfast, something more than 2 bites to eat. First day I had coffee. I put on clothes. I stepped out of my house. First day I spoke to anyone other than Roko, I replied to texts.. Just first day of feeling barely alive. I dreamt about her, and when I woke up I felt her laying behind my knees, so it probably means I’ve gone insane.
So, probably I’m not the best person, no. But I want to share my thoughts anyway, and hopefully they will ease someone else’s pain as well. Like they did mine. They’re not gonna change a lot, it still hurts like hell. But, a bit of relief came to me after doing these things.
- Talk to someone who gets it.
For a lot of the people, this will be “just a pet”. They will think you’re healing and moving on too slowly and that you’re being in more pain than you “should” be in.
I feel bad for those people, who never had such a deep, profound connection and love they shared with another soul. This pain is unbearable, but it only speaks of the love that I feel, so I consider myself lucky to be loved and to have loved so deeply.
Find a forum, a support group, a facebook group, just any group of people who are similiar to you. Who are going through the same thing, who have gone through it before. Ask them for their stories, share your story, don’t hold back. It’s important you share your feelings with someone who gets it, so you don’t feel ashamed or silly or over-dramatic.
I finally was able to talk a little yesterday to Roko, after being silent about it for days. He’s very supportive and understanding, so I felt okay sharing it. He understands what a loss this is for me. But it was only after I’ve spent the entire morning on a forum talking to people all over the world who are also grieving badly at the time.
Another big help was Jacey of Damsel in Dior. Yes, the Damsel in Dior. Jacey’s been one of my favorite people on the internet for many, many years. And I remember how sad I felt for her when her dog William passed away. She shared so much about him before and after his death, and I knew she would understand me, she was the only one I could think of that could. I sent her an email, asking her for help, for advice about what to do and how to cope. And she is truly the best and confirmed why she’s my favorite, she wrote a long email offering so much help, love and comfort for me and my Baby. She sent me a link to a blog post which she thought would help me – and it did, it’s as if I wrote it from start to finish myself. And she told me something that made me feel so much more calm. If I could go back 11 years and not take Baby, to spare myself of this pain, would I?
And the answer is clear. I wouldn’t change anything, and I would go through hell and back to have and keep those years I spent with my love.
To make it short (kinda passed that point, but okay) – you have to talk to someone who understands you fully. Misery likes company, and it’s not a saying about people being mean. We all feel comforted and safer in knowing we’re not alone, and that other people have survived the same – must mean we can, too.
2. Find a way to let it all out.
I’ve read a lot of advice about this, and it seems to be crucial to cope with the pain. You have to “document” it somehow, you have to aknowledge it, you have to put it out, outside of you. Write a blog post, like I did, say goodbye. Make a video, a scrapbook, start writing a journal about it. Draw a picture, paint your emotions, plant a tree for your pet.
I’ve started a journal, in which I wrote a letter for my Baby on the first page. Might sound silly, but it felt so nice to be able to tell her how I feel once more. I will be writing down memories with her, write her letters when I feel like it, glue in photos, make notes of her favorite things, all the nicknames I had for her, write something to her on her birthday and anniversaries. And I think it will make me feel more close to her.
3. And finally, find a way to place the memory of a pet on you, to carry it with you.
For me, it seemed to be what helped most, what made me feel a lot calmer. At first I thought about getting a necklace with her name ingraved. But I need something more permanent, something that’s on me. For good. So I went and got her name tattooed. I needed to do that and it means so so much to me. I feel so much better knowing I’m honoring her in a way, and that I am always gonna have her with me, no matter where I go and what I do, and what happens.
i carry your heart with me
i carry it in my heart
i am never without it
anywhere i go, you go, my dear.
*For my vlog of me getting a tattoo, click here.