I came here to write this post, because I think it will be better to let all these feelings out, than be silent and cry for two days. Now that I broke down just after writing the title, I’m not so sure.
As you probably know, my Baby was sick for a week, with diarrhea, vomiting, then they also found out she has a sick heart and a stomach full of water because of it. We went to therapy and IV everyday, some days (when I felt needed) even twice. Unfortunately, her condition didn’t get better, she refused to eat for a full week, and no matter how much medicine against vomiting they’d give her, she kept vomiting.
My last night with her was probably the worst of my life. She kept vomiting every two hours, was too weak to even walk, and she looked like she is so tired of everything.
Around 4 am, she came to me (I slept with her on the couch, so I could get her up and down when she needed to vomit, because she was too weak to jump herself) and she put her little head on my forehead and cried. It was almost like she was begging me to end her miseries. I never felt more scared or helpless then during those few hours before the sun came out and we could take her to the vet. Sadly, she was already half asleep on me, and by the time we got there, she was already slowly leaving us. The vet advised me to put her down, or to get some morphine for the night, so we can give it to her if we don’t want to do it. But as she was in such pain, I knew in my heart I have to do it, to make it easier for her, no matter how much it hurts me. I went and said goodbye to her in the front yard, and those moments were so painful I can’t even find the words for them.
It’s been two full days, and all I did was stay in bed and cried like I didn’t know it’s even possible. Roko is watching Parks and rec with me, to keep my mind distracted, and it helps a little, but literally the minute we shut it off, I start crying. I can’t stand one minute of being in my thoughts and being aware of what has happened.
When they told us she has a sick heart, I was already so scared to think she can live up to two years at best, I was never prepared for that time to come right now.
The thought of not having her around, of never holding her little body anymore, aches my entire body like nothing ever has. She was the love of my life, my little light and joy, an extension of me. I don’t even remember myself without her, my whole adult life she’s been by my side and a soul that has been a part of mine.
I don’t like many places and I don’t like many people. I’m alone for the most part, but I never minded that, because she was with me. I was never alone, I was in company of the best little soul I’ve ever known. Whenever I felt sad, she was there to take a walk with me. Whenever I was happy & excited about a sunny day, she was by my side as well. Through all my painting sessions, all my break ups, crying, sorrows, celebration times, dances, best breakfasts, movies, tv shows, books, fights, wins, when Roko left on a ship.. I realized that in the last almost 11 years I was never completely alone in anything. I always had Baby.
And now she’s gone and I have no idea how is it fair that I’ve lost her so soon and even less how to cope with it.
To loose an animal is always so painful, but to loose Baby.. I think only the people who knew her and who saw what connection and love the two of us had, will understand how much harder that is.
I honestly have no idea how to deal with this. If I could, I would run away from my own skin and my own chest, because this pain is unbearable. I knew this day would come, and I knew it would hurt like hell, but I was never prepared for this.
To my little angel, I hope you’re in puppy heaven now, where there’s a field with my bed on it, where the sun always shines and you can always sunbathe on top of my bed and be happy and calm, feeling my kisses on your little cheeks every half of minute.
I hope you know I have loved you unconditionally, with all my heart and soul, and that no one could ever take your place.
I hope you will wait for me when I’m done her on earth, no matter where that might be.
And mostly, I hope you had the happiest life, and that all my hugs and kisses always assured you you are the best thing to ever happen to me.
I will never stop loving and missing you.
My heart is completely broken.
My little Baboosh, my donut, my heart.. Rest in piece. ❤