About loneliness.

 

I like being alone, a lot. Sometimes I prefer it to anything else, for long periods of time. I feel like my batteries are recharged when I’m by myself, my energy goes up, I like my own company. There’s always so much I want to do.

But, with Roko being gone, this “alone” feels different. He’s not 10 minutes away, and there is no comfort in knowing he can stop by any time. This “alone” feels lonely.

When anything is wrong, I tend to be alone even more. I’m really not the type of person to go out and hang out with hoards of people to forget about my sadness, it would do the exact opposite for me. I am my own remedy, my art is my biggest comfort. My music, books, dog, my room… But yesterday, I had the urge to change my space a little and I left for work early, so I can take a walk. I went to the library, rented out some books, listened to some Frank while I was sipping my energy drink on a bench in the park, on the most gorgeous summer day.  And for whatever reason, it made me not feel lonely for a while. I was filled with good energy and felt hopeful. I thought about how times is passing slowly, but it’s still passing, and things will soon be different, better.

In hopes to get that good feeling again, this morning I got up really early and I went to take Roko’s dog to the beach with me. It made me SO happy. I felt as though he is here. I walked the same roads we take, went to the same beach, looked at the same trees around me.. Kind of bitter sweet, but I guess life often is just that.

I always try to be present in the now, in this moment. Sometimes it’s painful to do so, if your now doesn’t feel good. But, everything passes. And often we see the beauty in things only when we look at them from a place far, far away.

So, today I tried really hard to just look for them – right now. And there were so, so many. Life can be such a pain in the butt. But, I love so deeply, and I’m loved so deeply, and there’s no one I would trade places with.  Today, right now, I’m happy.

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